How Can I Manage the Stress of Coping with a Child or Teen that has ADHD?

Stress: Both Bad and Good

You’ve got a child or teenager. That’s stressful enough! But add in the struggles that come with ADHD and you have a recipe for feelings of dread or nervousness and, well… tension headaches.

First, let’s clear a bit of theoretical ground. There are arguably two kinds of stress. So, some stress can actually be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the cause and duration. Somewhat surprising, yes? The “better” kind is the type that we have before a presentation or a test, and when we exercise. Exercise stresses the body in a good way. The sort of stress that can become harmful to our body and brain is a more prolonged emotional stress. This latter type is harmful because of what it is doing inside of our bodies – that is, due to the body’s physiological responses to it.

During stressful times, our bodies release a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol supplies our bodies with the energy that they need to endure the hardship, persist through the difficult, to survive the crisis, etc. If, however, we have crises on a regular basis (like every day), then they can cause damage resulting in anxiety, depression, digestive problems, disrupted sleep, impaired immune system, increased inflammation, and – yes – lack of attention. (Imagine developing a kind of low-grade, stress-induced “attention deficit” dealing with your ADHD child!)

Experts now feel that conditions that have come about because of stress can cause further complications such as cancer, dementia, infection, and inflammation.[1]

When you have offspring (of whatever age), daily life comes with stressors as a package deal. As noted, ADHD – with its multiplicity of complications – compounds stress levels. But you didn’t need me to tell you that!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however. And, no, I don’t mean that they may eventually move out of your house!

The good news is that stress can be manageable. By creating structure and organization in your home, including the development of dependable yet flexible routines, the implementation of regular exercise, and the addition of a little “waiting time” before you react to your problem children, you can begin to reduce your felt stress in real time.

That being said, however, stress will undoubtedly sneak back into your life. So, let’s develop our stress-relief game plan. Here are some other action steps that will help us – yes, I’m in the same boat – relieve the stress.

Help for Stress[2]

Identify the factors surrounding your stress. Try to be exact. Is there a certain time of day or action that particularly pushes you over the edge? My stress levels went way up whenever my grandson refused to do his homework. After introspection, I finally realized that this particularly bothered me for two reasons, one having to do with me, and one having to do with him.

Number one, it bothered me because, as a professional teacher, I’m supposed to be an expert in getting kids to do assignments. Yeah, right! But, really, I felt like it undermined my claim to expertise.

Number two, I know from many years of experience and observation how falling behind can make it almost impossible for a student to catch up. I see how much work the students need to do and how a lot of it builds on what goes before it.

But, flipping out doesn’t help him or me. So, after I identified one of my triggers, I focused on dealing with my feelings.

Practice the 4 “As” of Stress Management.

• Avoid – Because of bothersome neglect laws (kidding!), you can’t actually avoid your child. But you may be able to avert a full-blown conflict by “pausing,” taking a breath and waiting a few minutes before you react. As a bonus, this also sets a great example for your child or teen. Try diffusing the situation with a little humor. This latter idea sometimes worked with my grandson when he got off track during his homework time. I’d make up a little cheer while clapping my hands; he would laugh and continue to work. Or…he’d roll his eyes and remain ticked off. At that point, I’d turn to the second “A.”
• Alter – Here again, staying calm and expressing your feelings or reasons may help. Or try to find a compromise. Managing your own behavior effectively models how he or she should try to act.
• Adapt – Reframe the problem. Can you change the negative into a positive? A child that blurts out or interrupts could be commended for being enthusiastic. “Hey, Johnny, I love your energy, buddy! But…don’t forget to wait your turn.” Or, an overly shy child could be congratulated for setting an example of peacefulness. “Susie, you look so calm. I understand that other kids can get a little rowdy. Let me introduce you to them; I think you could really help them chill out!”

“By using positive language in our thoughts and words when we refer to a person’s actions and behaviors, we are able to change our perceptions and ultimately our whole experience. This is particularly important in our interactions with children and adolescents.”[3] If we put a positive spin on their challenging behaviors, our own attitude changes toward that child. We can then view him in a more supportive way which can influence a change in behavior.

Some of these “As” dovetail. For instance, after we pause to avoid overreacting, if we adapt our perspective, we might find ourselves responding to our children with encouragement (e.g., cheering them on to put their gifts and strengths to good use) instead of just reacting!

• Accept – You knew this one was coming. We can’t completely change our kids. We can only accept them and love them for the unique gifts that they have and, yes, that they are. We need to help them to learn how to navigate the world to become the best that they can be using their strengths and talents. So, let’s be grateful.

Exercise Regularly. Daily physical activity, such as cycling, playing sports (golf, racquetball, tennis), running, walking, etc. is a huge stress reducer because it releases endorphins to help you feel good. Similarly, “rhythmic activities” like aerobics, dancing, and tai chi are especially helpful. Even small mental shifts – such as paying attention to your breathing (instead of to the traffic jam) or to the feel of the sunlight (instead of your child’s report card) brings in a kind of centered mindfulness that helps get rid of negative thoughts. I often use my walks to meditate or pray.

Connect to Others. Spending time talking to a friend or relative can be calming. This also activates hormones that counteract the cortisol that’s produced when you get upset. Helping others, taking a class, joining others at lunch are all ways to connect with others and impact your ability to be more resilient.

Make Time to Relax. Yes, our children and families need us. But we have to take some time for ourselves to rejuvenate. Think of being on an aircraft during the safety spiel. You have to fasten your own oxygen mask in place before you can help your kids. You cannot be an effective support for your family if you aren’t supporting yourself. Read a book, take a long bath, walk, paint, write in a journal – anything that helps to recharge you.

Manage Your Time More Efficiently. Easy to say; hard to do. I know! Start with this. Prioritize the work that you absolutely have to do. Try to only “touch your work once.” To put it differently, once you’ve begun a task, see it through to completion. Don’t over-commit to extras. Maintain a healthy lifestyle. Eat a rainbow of foods every day and stay away from as much processed food as you can. Don’t rely on coffee and sugar to get you through the day. And don’t turn to alcohol at night to “medicate” your frustrations. Get enough sleep. Seven hours is the minimum requirement for brain regeneration.[4]

Start your day right. Start by taking some really deep breaths through your diaphragm. Then hydrate by drinking a whole big glass of water. You could add a lemon slice and a little apple cider vinegar to kickstart your digestive system. Prayer or meditation comes next. Then finish with a few exercises. Dr. Mariza Snyder[5] uses these methods in the morning to start her day calm and relaxed. She says: “How you start your morning is how you live your life.”

Learn to Relieve stress in the moment. It’s hard to think of ways to calm down in the middle of a tense situation. So, have a plan and practice. At the first sign of stress, try out the plan. With practice it will become easier to implement quickly. To start, activate the senses.[6]

• Sight – Have a photo of a loved one or favorite art print on your desk to look at. Gaze out the window and watch it rain or snow, or just soak in the beauty.
• Smell – Use essential oils in a diffuser or inhaler. Lavender is especially calming. You could also have scented candles if they are made with essential oils. Open a window and breath the fresh air.
• Touch – Give yourself a hand or neck massage. Or heck, splurge and have a professional do it. Stretch. Move. Run in place, do some stretches or yoga, squeeze a stress ball. Stand up. Walk around. (See, again, the comments on regular exercise!)
• Taste – Chew sugarless gum or sip some tea or coffee.
• Sound – Listen to a favorite song or a nature soundtrack. If your window is open, listen to the birds. Listen to the rain. Listen to the leave rustle in the wind.

Stay Positive. Staying calm and focused will help your child or teen stay calm and focused. Remember, they respond in kind to the feelings around them.

Celebrate. There’s a lot of little pleasures in life. Look out for them. Savor them. A sunrise, a passing grade, a soft breeze. Give thanks.

Keep things in perspective. Your child’s or teen’s behavior is related to his or her disorder. It is not usually intentional. And it’s not personal. So, hold on to your sense of humor and compassion. Kids with ADHD really do want to pay attention and keep their things in order, but they don’t know how to make it happen.

Notes:

[1] Dean and Ayesha Sherzai MD, The Alzheimer’s Solution: A Breakthrough Program to Prevent and Reverse the Symptoms of Cognitive Decline at Every Age Harper Collins 2017

[2] ADHD Parenting Tips: Helping Your Child or Teen with Attention Deficit Disorder  HelpGuide.Org Trusted Guide to Mental and Emotional Health

[3] Stacy Garcia, In Other Words…The Power of Positive Reframing with  Free Positive  Reframes  Printable Creative Resilience Counseling LLC

[4] Daniel G. Amen MD, BRIGHT MINDS Protocol  Awakening from Alzheimer’s Summit

[5] Dr. Mariza Snyder, “Top 10 Self-Care Rituals for Today’s Woman  Women’s  Health” Women’s Hormones Blog

[6] Quick Stress Relief  HelpGuide.Org “Trusted Guide to Mental and Emotional Health”